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Joke & Quote Archive

Jokes


 

'Love your neighbour, but be sure to draw the curtains first'-  Philip Ardagh


In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Also, the roads are treacherous and there are no decent cinemas.-  Cluedont



The proof is in the pudding. Don't think I'll be using that printing company again -  Cluedont



I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I've got too many windows open- Cluedont



I spent the afternoon making a belt out of herbs. What a waist of thyme.- Cluedont



I'm not letting Thursday fool me with its fake Fridayness.- Cluedont



The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine - .



I see David Blaine's doing another stunt to test my endurance.- 



Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying 'Guide Dogs Only'. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.- Sixth Form Poet



As I was signing for my package on the postman's electronic pad I thought 'It's good that the art of handwriting hasn't died yet.'  Jez



'The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money' .- Sixth Form poet



I live every day as if it's my last. Under a blanket with my eyes closed. Sixth Form Poet



Just received a spam e-mail offering me a sex change. It begins "Dear Sir/ Madam." -Sixth Form Poet



"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh



‘I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.’ – Groucho Marx



‘I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.’ – Tommy Cooper



Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats - Woody Allen



I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: ' How flexible are you?' I said 'I can't do Tuesdays.' Anon



There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. - Steven Wright



A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." - Woody Allen



Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, ?"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...?he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." - Steven Wright



62% of people believe in fate. I suppose if you don't believe in fate that's just the way it was meant to be -  Jimmy Carr



I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape? of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included ?- Steven Wright



 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark - Stephen Wright



A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well' - Tommy Cooper



You can live to a hundred, if you give up all the things which make you want to live to be a hundred! - Woody Allen



I intend to live forever - so far, so good - Stephen Wright



In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker Woody Allen



I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it - Stephen Wright



Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them - Rita Rudner



The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life - Woody Allen



OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Stephen Wright



The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza restaurant and says: ‘make me one with everything.'



Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He ?caught every other fish - Steven Wright



I love this watch gold pocket watch. My grandfather sold me this watch on his death bed - Woody Allen



What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright


Quotes


 

Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 



 

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.  ~Charles Schulz 



To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all - Oscar Wilde 



'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.' - Anais Nin



 

 

 

'Think it over, think it under.' -  A.A. Milne (WInnie the Pooh)



The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.  ~Aristotle



'A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn.'  ~ Author Unknown



It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not - Andre Gide



To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all - Oscar Wilde



Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans - John Lennon



We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are - Anais Nin



There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle - Albert Einstein



You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough - Mae West



Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You - Dr. Seuss



Work like you don’t need the money, dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you’ve never been hurt and live everyday as if it is your last - Old Irish proverb



A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking - Stephen Wright



Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right! - Henry Ford



Don't find fault, find a remedy - Henry Ford



When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace Jimi Hendrix



This is the past that someone in the future is dying to go back to - Anon



Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions - Albert Einstein



I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again - Oscar Wilde



A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain - Mark Twain



Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much - Oscar Wilde



A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval  - Mark Twain



Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent - Carl Jung



Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves - Carl Jung



Envy was just the tax you paid on success - Davis Nicholls



If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative - Woody Allen



These are my principles - if you don't like them, I have others - Groucho Marx



Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrows keep you human, failure keeps you humble and success keeps you glowing - Arthur Ashe



Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months - Oscar Wilde



We don’t have a plan, so nothing can go wrong - Spike Milligan



I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch - Woody Allen


  •   Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 

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