In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Also, the roads are treacherous and there are no decent cinemas.-  Cluedont

The proof is in the pudding. Don't think I'll be using that printing company again -  Cluedont

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I've got too many windows open- Cluedont

I spent the afternoon making a belt out of herbs. What a waist of thyme.- Cluedont

I'm not letting Thursday fool me with its fake Fridayness.- Cluedont

The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine - Sixth Form Poet.

I see David Blaine's doing another stunt to test my endurance.- Liz Buckley ‏

Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying 'Guide Dogs Only'. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.- Sixth Form Poet

As I was signing for my package on the postman's electronic pad I thought 'It's good that the art of handwriting hasn't died yet.'  Jez

'The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money' .- Sixth Form poet

I live every day as if it's my last. Under a blanket with my eyes closed. Sixth Form Poet

Just received a spam e-mail offering me a sex change. It begins "Dear Sir/ Madam." -Sixth Form Poet

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

‘I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.’ – Groucho Marx

‘I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.’ – Tommy Cooper

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats - Woody Allen

I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: ' How flexible are you?' I said 'I can't do Tuesdays.' Anon

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. - Steven Wright

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." - Woody Allen

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, ?"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...?he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." - Steven Wright

62% of people believe in fate. I suppose if you don't believe in fate that's just the way it was meant to be -  Jimmy Carr

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape? of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included ?- Steven Wright

 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark - Stephen Wright

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well' - Tommy Cooper

You can live to a hundred, if you give up all the things which make you want to live to be a hundred! - Woody Allen

I intend to live forever - so far, so good - Stephen Wright

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker - Woody Allen

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it - Stephen Wright

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them - Rita Rudner

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life - Woody Allen

OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Stephen Wright

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza restaurant and says: ‘make me one with everything.'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He ?caught every other fish - Steven Wright

I love this watch gold pocket watch. My grandfather sold me this watch on his death bed - Woody Allen

What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright